my husband is driving my daughter awayforensic files south dakota

By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. I have to just try harder.. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Well-said, courtney. honeybeenicki Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. lets_be_honest Great lesson to learn from your dad. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. My parents listened to Oldies. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. The LWs husband sounds like my father. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. Well done, as always, my friend. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). (Kept me sane), Astronomer Why should your husband treat her that way?? So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. And he is a loyal friend. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Also hi BGM. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. Exactly Lily! I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Get out the frying pan. Did I love that stuff? Will he ever change? Who knows? If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. And this is his responsibility too. Hey, that kind of worked for me. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. Does he like the 80s music? So how did she find out about it? To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. I think you are probably right. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. . bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. She played Meribor (spelling.) She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. WOW! Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Act like one. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. THIS. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. I agree with you, again. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Or find something neutral. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Weird. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. it seems to . This makes me so deeply jealous. I hope the LW sees your comment. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Mommy and daddy present a united front. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. I was/am (?) Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. | Whats ok is to have a balance. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Seriously. I got a very different vibe from this. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Nip . He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. You always give good advice (duh!) Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. 1. A lot of painful disappointments in life. 1. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. You're surely not alone. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. I thought that was actually really funny. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! I cried myself to sleep. But am I mad at her now? I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. I was like 7.) Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. No. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. Awesome. Are any of these familiar to you? They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. Its already happening. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. 2. He was much kinder to them.) Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. No. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. This is actually not difficult. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. "If your family don't want to see both of you . I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. Id love to hang out with her. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Nope, not from Scranton. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . Good luck! Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. He also occasionally went to movies with us. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! I cant believe you didnt address that. Maybe not, though. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. bittergaymark When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. I mean, maybe? Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. 2. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). He's always putting him down. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm.

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